Uncertainty

Discussion in 'The Soapbox' started by Gamma, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. Gamma

    Gamma Simply Walks Into Mordor

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    Yare yare dawa. This will be a loooooooong thread.

    For the past couple years, I've always felt in a limbo of sorts when it comes to community grouping. I like it here on the Orange Islands, but fell pretty much off the map throughout 2014-2015. This is known. I wish the Blog function from the previous site template was still around, as my emotions could be better-vented on a Blog post proper, with maybe pertinent reactions here and there.

    To say that I've stopped feeling like an outsider to the Orange Islands would be a blatant lie that insults some of the people on here that I looked up to (and still have feelings for). For a majority of my time on the Orange Islands prior to my revenge on Ishmadal finally being sated in 2013, I had actually been an outsider liked by very few (unless I'm sorely mistaken). This was a stigma that had always existed throughout all the communities I've tried to partake in, save for maybe a few recent entries into Discord channels outside the OI, and the downed MSPAForums prior to my exile from the Homestuck fandom.

    I've almost wanted to banish myself from the Pokemon fandom in its entirety multiple times. I used to hang around the Nuzlocke Forums a bunch; this stopped almost right around the time I got more invested into the Orange Islands (late 2011 at the earliest). Gen VI's metagame on Smogon was utterly tedious during XY, and its changes into ORAS have felt, to me, to only be a minor band-aid. My interest in the Nuzlocke comics ceased when a multitude of my favourite comic-writers had schedule slow-downs or otherwise went on hiatus.

    My history with fandoms has never been good to begin with. To summarize in relation to fandoms I've either exiled myself from or been kicked out of otherwise:

    1. I first exiled myself from the Avatar: The Last Airbender fandom when I was roughly 13-14; my memory of the age when I first called it quits was, and still is, foggy. What I learned from my exile was that I never really liked ATLA in the first place, and my shipping of Zutara being bashed by the writers of the show and other fans alike was a kind of torture I never wanted to experience again. Shipwars permeated everywhere else I've attempted to go, where now I can't find enthusiasm to ship anything.

    2. My exile from the Kingdom Hearts fandom was something I've probably off-handedly mentioned from time to time elsewhere. To sum it up, I had found appreciation for and empathized with Kairi, Namine, and Xion. Unfortunately, my appreciation for these characters was met with people's misogynistic terribleness veiled by their yaoi OTPs allegedly "being obstructed" by the characters I liked. I did not leave the KH fandom willingly; I had not been considered a "real fan" and, in truth, the people who decried this were correct. After a while, I wound up only liking Organization XIII and rooting against Sora. What I learned from this exile had been to continue appreciating female characters in spite of people's horrid misogyny, and to not care for these people's petty excuses.

    When I learned the fandom improved, I had attempted to be un-exiled from Kingdom Hearts vis-a-vis attending a Nakakon 2016 panel. My attempt was a failure.

    3. My exile from the Naruto fandom had been a rather simple one; I was not considered a "real fan" by people I was obligated to interact with who happened to like anime. The reason? I could not catch up with them in reading the manga, due to my lack of time and monetary affordance to due so. I learned a long while ago to not be a manga elitist, and my appreciation of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is allowed to be slow therefore. Additionally, I got bitten on my left arm at one point by a Naruto fan whom my sister and I had acquaintanceship with.

    4. Another exile which was unwilling had been my exile from the Sonic the Hedgehog fandom. Even writing the fandom name made me queasy. I liked Shadow the Hedgehog, Sonic 2006, and Sonic Unleashed. Other people did not. These people became a majority where I had lived, and trying to protest that the series was not "dead" had been a mistake I made. Because my opinions on these games were (and still are) contrary to popular opinion, I was considered "not a real fan" or pretty much shunned. When trying to discuss my feelings elsewhere, a fellow SomethingAwful goon had suggested I just celebrate for every year since my exile in 2008. "That's a lot of chocolate cake I'm going to have to earn money for," I replied to myself as I tried to follow the suggestion given to me to the exact letter and spirit.

    My lesson from this particular exile had been to not be clouded by cynicism or nostalgia. While my experiences there and elsewhere have already moulded me into a jaded, vengeful individual with little in the way of anything keeping me happy anymore, I also learned that nostalgia is inherently bad. Replaying some ancient video games I like will more or less teach me this again and again, no doubt.

    5. An exile which was more willing was Harry Potter. I grew weary of JK Rowling's "trolling" NY Times and others by mentioning her own frustration with the series at-large. Part of me had liked wizardry in general. It was not long after Order of the Phoenix's announcement where I went back through the previous Four Books. When I was younger, I had a sense of completion. This sense of completion robbed me of some time better-spent on school; I hated the remaining three Books except for components involving Slytherin.

    What I learned was that I can still like wizardry even if I don't like popular and somehow-commercially-successful books save for anti-heroes that were accidentally written semi-decently. I thought of this tenuously and, over time, my motto of "Ten Points For Slytherin Everyday" can only ever be spoken ironically.

    6. Before this year, my final fandom exile would have been World of WarCraft. To put it in a less repetitive light (I think I've mentioned my current distaste for WoW before), I had made an exceptional amount of bad decisions in WoW. Part of these were just being bad at MMORPGs, but a sizable handful of my decisions had been peer-influenced by family members who also played, to my chagrin. When I let my $15/month subscription expire during the beginning of Cataclysm, I swore an oath to never return to WoW unless I only play Horde.

    The only thing I learned from this was to try to be my own individual, and not let those who I was supposed to be close to influence any decisions I made. I suppose a jape about learning that Chris Metzen will always be a bad writer would also be appropriate.

    7. After World of WarCraft came League of Legends. To say that LoL replaced WoW would be an understatement. LoL, at a glance, evaded the errors WoW made. However, it was a MOBA instead of a MMORPG. I had tried to invest myself in DOTA 1 (and WarCraft III by proxy), only to eventually grow tired of the communities therein. LoL's community had only worsened ever since.

    I had opted to identify with a champion known as Riven, the Exile. Funnily enough, my story of my troubles with WoW allowed me to empathize with her lore, as clunkily written as it was and still is, and see myself inside the character. I had attempted to build a Riven muse on Tumblr, as the Tumblr LoL RP community looked rather promising. Current and Future Me would likely have warned my past self that I was making, and would probably have continued to make, a grievous error.

    My Riven muse would be forever on-hold, as other writers would have their own Riven muses. These writers were typically people I looked up to, except a sizable majority. I decided to make a Summoner muse by the tentative name of Abomasnow Henderson in 2014, and through him I tried to integrate myself into the community. Initially he'd have been named Anonlove Henderson, for his role had been to entertain Katarina and Riven muns who were getting harassed by haters, both anon and otherwise. Granted, I grew to resent some of these muns who had stuck around. Others deleted their blogs, eager to be rid of the toxic community. I would follow suit with Tumblr in general, only to remake Abomasnow "Pyloncrafter" Henderson on August 2015 at the behest of the few people in the community who gave a hoot about my presence.

    Of course, it was not long before I ultimately went on perma-hiatus as far as building my muse back for that community was concerned. Between the existence of Overwatch causing many of my friends to turn to that game instead for RolePlay, and people just having fatigue with RiotGames or someone else infringing on their specific Original Characters' gimmicks, the Tumblr League RP community persisted in being an unfun place. Additionally, I had decided to date a Shyvana blog whose mun I thought genuinely liked me. "Another mistake," I chide myself as I write this, for I had learned that I had been played like a fool for a rough year-and-a-half before I dumped said ex-girlfriend in January 2016. With all this, my exile from the League community would be accepted and my blog on Tumblr not-yet-deleted. If I grow a sizable enough Twitch (and YouTube) community to form a realm of my own for friends, then my deletion of my ex-League muse will be final.

    8. The last exile was Homestuck. I think Roxas and Maple are to thank for introducing me to that webcomic series, as I had learned to expand my horizons. Ordinarily, the only webcomic I like is Megatokyo. However, my desire to understand what made Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff amazing led me to Homestuck. Initially, I could not sit through Act 1. I then braved myself for a long four days of reading everything in Homestuck up until the April 2012 hiatus' expiration had me hooked.

    I decided to hang out with other people whom liked the series on MSPAForums, having used the name of "The Illusive Man." I generally had an okay time, but continued to feel like an outsider in spite of my often amusing people on MSPAForums. A person on there suggested that I had the cadence to be a "budding supervillain," which is something I take to heart as I lack many other self-descriptors.

    Eventually, I just had fatigue. Being in close proximity to the Homestuck fandom on both Tumblr and MSPAForums did that to me. Alas, my self-identificators of "The Illusive Man" and "Muse of Mind" (my title) would be on-hold for now. This would solidify my current exile from the Homestuck fandom, as after 2015 I kind of dropped MSPAForums as a frequent place to go to whilst juggling scholastic and streaming endeavours. I only stuck around until the webcomic ended in April, and since then I just walk a fandom limbo.

    --
    At any rate, I am not entirely confident in my ability to do a lot on here nowadays due to emotional lethargy regarding Pokemon as a whole. I would not mind doing Pokemon Tabletop RPGs if any were to take place in Amaya, and I still have plans to remake Chernabog Garland IV, Kingslayer; he as a character could amount to something in Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, for instance.

    I'm not entirely sure I'm fit to be a Demi-Moderator emotionally or mentally. My primary motivation had been to reconnect with the people I like on here (and there's quite an amount still). However, one person whom I intended to reconnect with, and who had been a primary motivator in my application for Demi-Mod in the first place, is just gone. He's not coming back by the look of things, either. I still feel some recoil, almost as if I had screwed up in letting things get the way they did by not being around more.

    At this time, I have yet to call it quits on moderator status. However, I decided to write a lot of my feelings on here for said feelings to be known. I suppose that's a stark improvement compared to what I'd probably have ended up doing.
     

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